James T Kirk and the Beanstalk
by Daniel Fielder
Summary: When a famine hits the home of a group of friends, Jim, Spock, and Bones, they stumble upon magic beans that lead them to an amazing land.
1. My What a Happy Day

Something I couldn't resist writing.

Disclaimer: Mickey and the Beanstalk belongs to Walt Disney, and Star Trek belongs to Paramount, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and CBS.

* * *

 **James T. Kirk and the Beanstalk**

Chapter 1: My What a Happy Day

James T. Kirk was putting his son David to bed with his best friends, Leonard "Bones" McCoy and Spock as they was putting their children, Bones' daughter Joanna, and Spock's daughter Amanda to bed as their wives Carol Marcus, Christine Chapel, and Nyota Uhura were about to leave.

"Now boys, for once get them to sleep by their bedtime." Carol said with a smile.

"Good night kids." Christine said as she blew the children a kiss.

"Good night, honey." Nyota said as she waved to Amanda.

"Good night Aunt Christine." David said.

"Good night Mommy." Joanna said.

"Good night Dr. Chapel." Amanda said.

"Now go to sleep kids." Jim said.

"Could you tell us a story, Daddy?" David asked.

"Well, I guess one wouldn't hurt." Jim answered.

"Yay!" Joanna called out. "Isn't that cool Daddy?"

"Well..." Bones said. "Uh... No."

"This is a story everyone should hear." Jim said.

"Yeah, but not everyone should tell it, and you know who." Bones said.

"Well I'm gonna tell it anyway." Jim said.

"Alright, suit yourself." Bones said with a sigh.

"Now, once upon a time-" Jim began before Bones interrupted.

"Funny how nothing happens now-a-days." Bones mused before he stopped when Jim glared at him.

"Now, once upon a time there was a place called Happy Valley." Jim began again. "It was called Happy Valley because everyone who lived there was happy."

"Logical." Spock said with a shadow of a smile.

"Okay kids, now close your eyes and tell me if you can picture it." Jim said.

"I think I can." David said.

"Me too." Joanna and Amanda added.

"It's all nice and green with a lot of hills." David said.

()()()()()

Happy Valley was often called Nature's garden spots, nestled among green rolling hills. A lovely brook, the laughing brook, flowed through the valley. Winding roads connected the valley with stately trees lining them. They also connected the lush fields and prosperous farms that dotted the landscape, and on a hill top over-looking the valley and shining like a jewel stood a magnificent castle, and three precious princesses lived in the castle. One was the fair maiden Carol Marcus who made fair rules and kept the country clean. Her fellow princesses were Christine Chapel and Nyota Uhura. While Christine helped keep the peace and cared for sick children as the country's best pediatrician, Nyota kept the country bright, cheerful, and happy with her excellent diplomatic skills and her beautiful singing voice. Men, women, and children came from all over the world, feeding the country's trade, just to hear her beautiful voice.

 _My... What a happy day._

 _What a sunny sky._

 _Kinda make you sigh_

 _in a happy way._

 _What a very merry day..._

 _All the world is gay._

 _When your cares are light._

 _And your heart takes flight._

 _And you're swept away._

 _The air is sweet with clover._

 _The clouds are turning over._

 _Oh yes they're turning over_

 _Just to show their silver lining._

 _My what a happy day..._

 _Never knew such bliss._

 _Never read of this in a book or play!_

 _What a lovely day!_

 _What a great big gorgeous, sumptuous, thumping, bumptious, hum-galumptious, simply scrumptious!_

 _My what a happy day!_

When Nyota would sing, all the farmers would join in as well, and their work got twenty times quicker.

 _My what a happy day..._

 _Never knew such bliss._

 _Never read of this in a book or play!_

 _What a lovely day!_

 _What a great big gorgeous, sumptuous, thumping, bumptious, hum-galumptious, simply scrumptious!_

 _Oh me, oh my, what a happy day!_

The voice of Nyota cast a magic spell of joy and prosperity throughout the land, but it was too good to last, for one day a mysterious shadow crept over the valley and something dreadful happened.

()()()()()

Carol, Christine, and Nyota were talking. They weren't biologically sisters, but they had been raised in the same home for so long that they couldn't have been closer if they were. When the sky got surprisingly dark, they all screamed and tried to run, but they were caught by the creature who had caused the darkness grabbed them, and they knew no more for a long time.

()()()()()

When the shadow lifted, Carol and her sisters were gone. No longer was the valley happy, for without the magic of Nyota's voice, Christine's economic know how, and Carol's wise guidance, all was misery... Misery... Misery.

The grass fields and trees all became a depressing reddish color as the desolation spread throughout the land and everything dried up. The fields of corn turned to dust almost before you could say kerplop. The Laughing Brook flowed no more, and what little water remained fell down the cracks that appeared in the river bed.

To think that this land was once happy valley, and now it was little better than gruesome gulch.

Days passed. Then weeks passed. Then months passed.

()()()()()

A group of humble peasants, three orphaned boys, were hit the hardest. All they had was a cow who had dried up with the Laughing Brook. The three boys were all that were left of three proud families who had tilled the land together. Among them were James T. Kirk and his closest friends, Spock of Vulcan and Leonard McCoy, who Jim just called Bones. The house was so much to handle for the three boys that it was in a derelict state with one of the doors having fallen off very recently. The three poor farmers sat at the dinner table as they were on the edge of starving to death. By some combination of miracles and careful planning, the three were still alive, still breathing, and sharing a pitiful crust of bread between them. Jim made as thin cuts with his knife as he could to save the last loaf of bread they had for as long as they could.

Were their spirits broken? Did they lose hope? Yes. The three teenagers were facing famine and were left only with beans... Well _a_ bean by now. One bean to split between three people. Jim cut it as thinly as possible until there were three semi-thin bean slices that barely made the bread bulge. The only bright side anyone could have found was that at least the bean didn't have any bones. Bones had become gaunt from lack of food and unshaven to preserve what little water they had left, becoming a bag of bone and weakening muscles. A true picture of despair, but Bones never whimpered. Bones never gave up.

"SHUT UP!" Bones called out. "I CAN'T STAND IT!"

Bones then grabbed as many plates as he could and attempted to eat them like a sandwich before Jim and Spock grabbed him and pulled the dishes away.

"Okay Bones, easy now." Jim said as Spock and Jim rubbed his back in an attempt to calm him. "Easy now."

"Don't worry guys." Bones said with a heavy sigh as he breathed hard from the rush of adrenaline. "Yeah... I'll be alright. I'll be alright."

Bones said he'd be alright, but Jim wondered. Bones had suffered too much. Spock, knowing how Bones got when he was riled wondered what plan was forming in the mind of the desperate Bones.

Bones meanwhile saw the axe they had used to chop down wood and got a sinister smile on his face as he slipped away and grabbed it.

"BONES NO!" Jim called out in alarm when he saw the empty space where the axe usually hung.

()()()()()

"Here cowsie-wowsie." Bones said in a raspy, demented voice as he approached the cow. "Nice old cowsie-wowsie."

"Bones!" Jim called out as Bones suddenly shouted out and lunged at the cow with the axe. The cow mooed in alarm and jumped onto a tree as Jim pulled the axe out of Bones' hand, and he then began chewing on the tail before Spock and Jim grabbed Bones and held him down.

"But guys..." Bones panted as he began to come back to his senses. "I've just gotta eat. I'm so... Hungry."

Spock administered the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to give Bones the rest he obviously needed before he and Jim brought Bones into the house where he rested on the couch.

* * *

Aw, poor Bones.


	2. Beans

Chapter 2: Beans

Jim was holding Bones down to demonstrate the story as the children giggled.

"Poor Bones was completely out of his head." Jim said. "It was a pitiful sight to see Bones deteriorate after weeks without food. Poor Bones."

"Yeah, poor me." Bones said after Jim let go.

"It was all they could do to restrain him." Jim said. "Poor Bones had just about reached the end of his rope. They were definitely in a sorry predicament."

"I may have gone nuts, but I had the right idea." Bones said. "Kill the cow."

"Oh no, Unca Bones!" David shouted. "The cow was your best friend."

"Well a friend in need is a friend indeed." Bones said.

"So what?" Jim asked.

"So, we needed some steak." Bones said plainly.

"No!" Joanna whined. "If you kill the cow, I'm not gonna listen to the story."

"Relax hon, I was just teasing." Bones said.

"You always did have a morbid sense of humor." Jim said with a smile. "Anyway, they eventually decided to sell the cow."

()()()()()

Things began to look much brighter for the boys after Jim went to a village to sell the cow. The thought of prosperity after going so long without it brought a smile to Bones and even Spock's faces.

"Hey look!" Spock called out as he and Bones acted out all the food they would eat after Jim returned with the money.

 _Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie!_

 _Pancakes piled up 'til they reach the sky._

Bones hummed along as his high spirits had helped get him back to normal.

 _Oh... I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat_

 _And eat until I die._

 _Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie!_

 _Pancakes piled up 'til they reach the sky._

 _Lots of starches._

 _Lots of greens._

 _Fancy chocolate covered-_

"Beans!" Jim called out as he held up a dingy yellow box.

"What do you mean beans?" Spock asked.

"I sold the cow for some magic beans." Jim said.

"Beans?!" Bones called out angrily. "We were better off than that a month ago!"

"But Bones, these aren't ordinary beans." Jim insisted. "They're magic beans. If you plant these beans in the light of a full moon, do you know what'll happen?"

"Yes, we'll get more beans!" Bones said testily as he grabbed the box and threw it in a corner as the four beans fell into a hole there. "Magic beans! Humbug!"

()()()()()

Later that night, Jim rested in one of the cots in his, Bones, and Spock's room. How could he have been so stupid?

 _Magic beans. Light of a full moon._ Jim thought angrily. _How could I have fallen for that? Maybe I'll wake up in the morning to find the whole disaster was a dream._

Jim then went to bed having given up his ration for his foolishness.

()()()()()

But it wasn't as foolish as Jim thought as the night's full moon shone on the very spot the beans had fallen in through a nearby window. A small green stalk popped out of the hole and began to twist around. It then grew through two small holes into the boys' room and went close to Spock's mouth as it went onward. It then went past Jim's bed, taking his blanket with him and leaving behind a leaf that caught on Jim's foot. It then went up to the top bunk where Bones slept and tickled his bare feet with its vines.

The beanstalk then burst out of the doors and windows of the house until it lifted the whole thing up. As it continued to grow, the house crumbled, leaving only the three boys. Jim ended up spending the rest of his sleep on a large leaf. Bones ended up protected by a large vine coil he ended up falling into. Spock rested on a large vine face down.

And all through the night it continued to grow onward and upward.

* * *

Bones: That beanstalk was a menace to aviation.

David: What's aviation?

Jim: Airplanes.

David: Oh.

Me: I love this story.


	3. On Top of the Beanstalk

Chapter 3: On Top of the Beanstalk

At dawn, Jim, Spock, and Bones woke up to find themselves on top of a giant bean stalk starring up at a huge castle sitting on what appeared to be a floating island hidden by clouds.

"Hey, I was right." Jim said with a smile.

"Yeah you were." Bones said. "Look Jim, I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Jim said. "It's not like this happens every day."

"Fascinating." Spock said.

They then headed out and wondered who lived there. Man or monster? Friend or foe? A princess or a dragon?

They all knew one thing. Three things drew the three boys to the castle. Hunger, desperation, and a love of adventure.

It was a fantastic experience as there were caterpillars as big as dogs and butterflies as large as eagles.

"Wouldn't it be amazing if mortal man never set foot here before?" Jim asked.

"Well somebody did." Bones said as Spock fell into a large foot print.

"Interesting." Spock said as he got out. "Who could have made those?"

"Well it wasn't Cinderella." Bones said calmly. Hopefully it was something friendly.

Soon they arrived at a moat that surrounded the castle, so they took a peapod and made it into a boat as the three took some willows and rowed towards the castle.

Then suddenly without warning up in the sky dragon flies the size of fighter planes arrived.

"Wow!" Jim called out. "What whoppers."

"No kidding." Bones said. "Hey, I got an idea! Hey, long noise! Over here!"

"Leonard!" Spock began before the dragon fly dove in, and all three boys ended up right at the steps of the castle. "Smart thinking."

"Okay, how are we gonna climb these steps?" Jim asked.

"How about you get on my back, and we'll hoist Leonard up? Then he can pull us up and so on and so forth."

Everyone agreed to this and began to slowly make their way up the stairs. This was the most exciting part of their journey so far. Forgotten was their hunger. Forgotten was their fear. The young boys never faltered and eventually made it to the top step.

They then wondered two things, what mystery lay behind the cold walls of the castle, and what dark spell hovered over this gloomy place.

Jim then went up and knocked on the door, but no one came. They wondered if they should go in, but eventually they decided to risk it. They walked in and found themselves in an enormous entry hall, easily twenty times as big as any normal room. It was also as silent as a tomb. Spock was the last to go through and ended up having to spend a few moments putting his pants back on.

In an enormous dining room, they looked up to see an enormous pile of food.

"FOOD!" Bones called out in joy. "Let me at it!"

They then ran up the winding carving on a table leg and began eating whatever they could find. Spock began eating peas the size of basket balls and moved to Jell-O that he could swim through. Spock then crashed into a thing of walnuts as he came out.

"Who's there?" A very familiar voiced asked from a chest.

As she said that, two girls, both blond, who both wore maid outfits, walked out.

"Is anyone here?" The younger blond girl asked.

"That's Princess Nyota's voice!" Jim called out. "And those maids are Princess Christine and Princess Carol!"

"Yahoo!" Bones called out.

"How'd you two get here?" Jim asked as he looked in through the keyhole and saw Nyota's hazel eyes and black hair.

"We were kidnapped by a wicked giant." Nyota said.

"Oh." Clark said before it sunk in. "A giant?!"

"A giant?!" Bones cried out.

"A giant?" Spock asked, intrigued.

"A giant." Carol and Christine confirmed.

* * *

Well... Things look bad, don't they?


	4. The Giant

Chapter 4: The Giant

"A giant?!" David asked in alarm.

"A giant?!" Joanna asked in the same voice.

"A giant?!" Amanda asked also.

"A giant." Spock said as he nodded his head.

"Bigger than forty men." Jim said.

"Wow." Joanna said.

"A giant that had the power to turn himself into anything, man or beast." Jim said.

"Wow." David said.

"It was the giant that kidnapped the princesses and brought ruin to Happy Valley." Jim explained.

"But why did the giant want to kidnap the princesses?" David asked.

"Because he was cruel and selfish." Jim explained. "He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep and keep house for him."

"Couldn't he have just done it himself?" Joanna asked.

"You see hon, when you're cruel and selfish, you don't like doing a lot of things for yourself." Bones explained.

"Oh." Joanna said.

"Well anyway, back to the story." Jim said.

()()()()()

Just after learning about the giant, they heard a loud booming voice say...

"Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! Fee fi fo fum!"

The giant, a middle-aged man in a black outfit with a purple cape arrived bouncing a large ball.

 _Fee fi fo fum!_

 _Hee hi ho hum!_

 _I'm a most amazing guy!_

 _A most amazing guy am I!_

 _Fee fi fo fum!_

 _Hee hi ho hum!_

 _I'm stuff I'm telling you,_

 _For here's what I can do!_

 _I can change myself into an elf._

 _Fly up high like a birdie._

 _I can disappear into atmosphere._

 _'Cause I know the magic wordies._

 _Fi fo fee foy!_

 _Fee fee-fee fee._

"Fi-Fi?" The giant asked after a minute. "I don't know a Fi-Fi."

He thought for a moment.

"Fee fi fo fum." The giant said. "I smell..."

The three boys hid as Carol and Christine got close to the chest, and the giant grabbed a large pot and smiled.

"Pot roast!" The giant called out happily. "Chocolate pot roast. With pestachimo, with pestachi- with pista- With green gravy."

The giant then made himself a sandwich with some cheese Spock was hiding behind, some lettuce Bones was hiding in, and a large chicken leg, which Jim ended up being put into. He then poured some pepper on the sandwich which caused Clark to sneeze and cause his head to poke out.

"Um... Hi." Jim said nervously before he rushed off.

"Oh no you don't!" The giant called out. "You can't get away from Lord Garth of Izar!"

Garth then grabbed Jim.

"I've got you!" Garth said as he didn't hear anything. "I think I got you."

Garth then looked inside his fist.

"Yeah, I got you." Garth said.

"Garth..." Jim said with a smile as he gestured Garth to look.

"What is it?" Garth asked. "What is it?"

Garth opened his hand as Jim walked on his life line.

"Ten, twenty, thirty, forty." Jim counted. "Boy what a lifeline."

"Well what's this here?" Garth asked as he pointed at a spot on his lower palm.

"Oh, I can't believe it!" Jim said in mocked surprise.

"Is it bad?" Garth asked.

"Well it says here that you can change yourself into anything." Jim said.

"Sure!" Garth said with a wide smile. "You wanna see me? I can change myself into the darndest things!"

"But how?" Jim asked, trying to lull Garth into as relaxed a state as possible.

"Once, I was just a small man, like you." Garth said. "I was a Captain in Starfleet, and one day, on a mission to Izar, I was gravely injured, and the process the natives used to heal me granted me shapeshifting powers. When they refused to be ruled by me, I devised an explosive, no bigger than this flask and dropped it on the village. The entire continent was destroyed. When my crew mutinied, I retreated home, and my escape pod stumbled upon this floating island. I changed my shape to adapt to the land and have lived here ever since. Now go on, give me something to change into. Anything."

"Anything?" Jim asked.

Anything." Garth answered. Jim then looked around and saw a flyswatter. This gave him an idea.

"Can you change into a fly?" Jim asked.

"A cute teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy house fly?" Garth asked.

"That's it." Jim said. "A house fly."

"Ah, you don't want a fly." Garth said. "How about a bunny with long pink ears?"

"Well of course if you can't do a fly then-" Jim said before Garth conceded.

"Alright, a fly." Garth said. "Why?"

"Well uh... Because." Jim said.

"Alright." Garth said. "A teeny-weeny fly. With pink wings. Now for the magic wordies! Fee fi fo fum! Hee hi ho hum!"

While Garth was doing this, Jim called Spock and Bones out of hiding and prepared to use the flyswatter on the giant when he instead turned into a huge pink rabbit.

"You sure you don't want a pink bunny?" Garth asked before he noticed what they were holding. "Hey, what is this?! You think you'd fool Lord Garth?!"

Garth then grabbed the three, opened the chest, pulled out Nyota, and dropped the boys in, but Jim managed to get out of the giants grasp unnoticed and hold onto the chest as it was put on a high up shelf.

Things looked pretty dark for the prisoners as Garth locked the chest as Jim climbed up and prepared to try and get the key as Garth dropped it in his pocket. Nyota then smiled and began singing a soft soothing song to get Garth to sleep.

 _In my favorite dreams,_

 _Everyone is so delightful._

 _No one's mean or spiteful._

 _In my favorite dreams._

Nyota then waved for Jim to move forward as Karlo got drowsy.

 _Yes, and in my favorite dreams,_

 _There my heart can go romancing._

 _Dancing to a heavenly theme._

 _But there's something else I look forward to._

 _It's a secret, but here's a clue._

 _He's my favorite you-know-who._

 _He's the hero of my most favorite dreams._

Jim then took a threading needle and stuck it on the floor of the self. He then used a twine he'd brought with him to go slowly down to the giant to get the key to free his friends and escape with Carol, Nyota, and Christine.

As Garth began to fall asleep, Jim landed on his shoulder and began to walk down.

" _In his right breast pocket, you'll find the key._ " Nyota sang, helping Jim out, and Jim nodded and began making his way to Garth's right breast pocket. " _The right breast pocket. Go carefully._ "

Nyota then gasped when Jim fell in, but Jim was alright and was about to pull the key out when it got caught on a snuff box, so Jim had to give an almighty tug to free it, and that caused the whole thing of snuff to be released, and Jim let out a huge sneeze.

This woke Garth up, and he yelled, "I'll smash- AHCHOO!"

Garth then slammed his pocket and looked inside but no one was there.

"Huh." Garth said. "Nightmare."

He then went back to sleep as Jim climbed back up the thread and made it to the shelf with the key, barely.

()()()()()

"He made it!" Bones called out from the chest as he watched the whole thing from the key hole.

"He did?" Spock asked. "Great. Here he comes with the key."

"Let me have it, Jim!" Bones called out and accidentally got knocked in the mouth by the key.

Jim then freed the two.

()()()()()

Things looked bright for the six teenagers as they left with Carol, Nyota and Christine, but Jim wasn't really to take chances. He tied Garth's shoes together in case he woke up, which he did. Jim then finished tying the shoes and rushed off with his friends. While his friends rushed off to the beanstalk, Jim used a wine bottle cork to toss him to the beanstalk as his friends already managed to get there, and they were closely followed by Garth. The six then hurried down the beanstalk as Bones and Jim grabbed a saw and began cutting the beanstalk down as Spock moved the girls as far away as possible. As Garth was halfway down, the beanstalk was finally cut in two, and Garth fell, screaming his head off. He smashed into the ground leaving a large indent on the ground, killing himself in the process.

"Thank you." Carol said to the boys, but particularly to Jim.

"You were all very brave." Nyota added.

So with the princesses' return, happiness returned to Happy Valley, and the spot where Garth fell became a grassy hill that remained a preservation in honor of the three young heroes. Spock, Bones, and Jim ended up staying and marrying Nyota, Christine, and Carol, and they all lived happily ever after.

()()()()()

Joanna cheered as she clapped her hands.

"Tell another one Daddy." David said eagerly.

"Sorry kiddo, but your mom will kill me if I don't put you to sleep." Jim said. "Alright champ?"

"Okay." David said as he went to sleep.

"Night night." Amanda said as Spock, Bones, and Jim left as Nyota, Christine, and Carol smiled and talked about their adventure together.

* * *

Garth: Hey, has anyone seen a guy dressed in a bright yellow shirt?

Me: No, I uh... (I pass out.)

Jenny: Doug! Doug speak to me!

Garth: What's the matter with him? Something he ate?

Robert: No, he'll be okay. Good night Lord Garth.


End file.
